So much love, strength, and pride in the narratives. I think the primary attributes are on the mark in terms of what makes a relationship successful. Genuine caring, acceptance, support, non-meddling, humor, openness, appreciation and gratitude, respect. I wonder if, knowing these before becoming an in-law, one can apply the templates even if there are gaffes, misunderstandings, etc...
I know that many relationships are damaged severely by the stereotype, by personalities that grate, but it seems that if you know the 'recipe' you have a better chance for success.
Here's to hope, health, and love
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
MIL love
Long-distance care-taking by the Saint
Hi Love,
We are having a soaking rain tonight.
We have had more than a foot of snow melt in the last 24 hours.
I can't wait to see the creek when the rain stops.
Granpa just suggested that we tell you we are sandbagging!
Of course he is kidding, but I can imagine that there will be a number
of flooded roads near by.
And this is all snow in the Adk Mountains. They are measuring in feet
rather than inch depth already.
Ahhh, Spring! Always an adventure.
BBLY
Gran and Granpa
PS Son just send a super photo of a smiling happy child! Beautiful!
Hi Love,
We are having a soaking rain tonight.
We have had more than a foot of snow melt in the last 24 hours.
I can't wait to see the creek when the rain stops.
Granpa just suggested that we tell you we are sandbagging!
Of course he is kidding, but I can imagine that there will be a number
of flooded roads near by.
And this is all snow in the Adk Mountains. They are measuring in feet
rather than inch depth already.
Ahhh, Spring! Always an adventure.
BBLY
Gran and Granpa
PS Son just send a super photo of a smiling happy child! Beautiful!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Contextual colors
It has been quite interesting to prepare for the research. Women in-laws are relating within a microcosm of being female, against a larger context of culture, time, and usually, patriarchy. I never stopped to think about how many factors influence a relationship before it even gets started, especially with a trio of women in stereotyped roles.
Personal factors would include one's own mother - is she alive? if not, when did she pass away and how old were you? what was the general tone of the relationship with her? with other-mothers e.g. aunts, grandmothers, mothers of friends?
It feels like the general "role" of mother, to me, was always very positive. This doesn't mean that there weren't conflicts, misunderstandings, or rebellions, but that the overall grounding of being a mother normally implied a sense of love and commitment. Malice of intent or other abuse were not unheard of, but rarely touched my growing years with personal knowledge or experience. I was lucky then and grateful now.
Personal factors would include one's own mother - is she alive? if not, when did she pass away and how old were you? what was the general tone of the relationship with her? with other-mothers e.g. aunts, grandmothers, mothers of friends?
It feels like the general "role" of mother, to me, was always very positive. This doesn't mean that there weren't conflicts, misunderstandings, or rebellions, but that the overall grounding of being a mother normally implied a sense of love and commitment. Malice of intent or other abuse were not unheard of, but rarely touched my growing years with personal knowledge or experience. I was lucky then and grateful now.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
definition: success
Thinking of the Angel: unhesitating in support of any kind; warm, comforting, a smile & hug. Thinking of the Saint: all the same attributes. I am a lucky in-law sandwich!
There are differences, to be sure. The Saint brings with her many years of being a mother that the Angel hasn't accrued yet. And her experience is 'other-mothering' and no less fierce and protective. I miss un-hurried conversations with them. I miss smiles and hugs. The current stresses bring into sharp relief all that I get from these two women.
Why does this work? Why does it feel successful? My definition of success seems to be wrapped in the joy and anticipation of seeing or speaking with them. Even though I am pulling in from everyone right now, I hold the memory of warmth when I think of them. So, success must be defined, for me, by the desire to be connected, to interact, and to know there is a safe haven in their company.
Success, therefore, seems to depend on the continuing, positive, interactive, connections. As they accumulate, there is room for some mis-steps to be absorbed. Added to the highly positive ratio, there is also attribution and having the beneficial context within which to make meaning of words and behaviors, it seems likely that both relationships are fairly safe, protected from a serious falling-out.
When would that be possible? If the conflict came on so suddenly as to preclude any protective contextual understanding to be in place. Those moments happen, but due to distance, I guess we have the time to let hurts or misunderstandings calm down before permanent problems arise. Thank goodness! These relationships are precious and valuable to me. I would hate to lose (push away?) the assets that I have in being related.
There are differences, to be sure. The Saint brings with her many years of being a mother that the Angel hasn't accrued yet. And her experience is 'other-mothering' and no less fierce and protective. I miss un-hurried conversations with them. I miss smiles and hugs. The current stresses bring into sharp relief all that I get from these two women.
Why does this work? Why does it feel successful? My definition of success seems to be wrapped in the joy and anticipation of seeing or speaking with them. Even though I am pulling in from everyone right now, I hold the memory of warmth when I think of them. So, success must be defined, for me, by the desire to be connected, to interact, and to know there is a safe haven in their company.
Success, therefore, seems to depend on the continuing, positive, interactive, connections. As they accumulate, there is room for some mis-steps to be absorbed. Added to the highly positive ratio, there is also attribution and having the beneficial context within which to make meaning of words and behaviors, it seems likely that both relationships are fairly safe, protected from a serious falling-out.
When would that be possible? If the conflict came on so suddenly as to preclude any protective contextual understanding to be in place. Those moments happen, but due to distance, I guess we have the time to let hurts or misunderstandings calm down before permanent problems arise. Thank goodness! These relationships are precious and valuable to me. I would hate to lose (push away?) the assets that I have in being related.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Emotional fuzzies
Continuing to sort through memories, I want to include this birthday message from the Angel and include a beautiful card from the Saint. In the midst of a whirlwind trip home, after an absence of over seven months, these two women took the time to make me feel valued.
| ||||||||||||
Hi Hope,
Just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you, especially today. I hope that work and medical craziness aside, you're getting a chance to soak in some love in Michigan.
Love you lots,
Angel
dearest Angel,
Thank you so much for the birthday message - I am always excited when I see your name in the e-mail. I have been thinking of you so much with feelings of missing and gratitude. The awful reason for the extra visits aside, I feel quite decadent in having been able to look at your face and hear your laugh these past few months. You and the Son bring joy and structure and fun. That is not to put pressure but to say thank you for sharing each other, your time, and energy.
The trip to Michigan has been good and it has been tiring, but both have been more than worth it. We are going to see about 25 of the family at Uncle’s today and Cousin tomorrow at Aunt Berkley’s. Depending on air travel, might get to see all of Aunt Fenton’s girls and the two babies on Tuesday. Very little work getting done in the midst of all the visiting, but am hoping I can pull things together when I get back to PNW.
Forgot to mention to the Son, but I hope you know that Canine fur-kid is very welcome if you want to bring him to Michigan next weekend. With only the PNW crew there, it might be a quiet enough environment for him that will let him stay with you. I think you may have said the trip is a bit long for him, but just know that he is more than welcome, can't hurt a thing, and I wish I could see him and walk with him.
Sending the biggest hug ever and a kiss for your cheek.
love,
Hope
February 8, 2011
So much has happened in the time since the last entry. We are temporarily re-locating to the PNW and have been fortunate to see all nine of the family more frequently. Before the nightmare of X’s illness began, I had the opportunity to see the Angel when they were visiting the new baby, little bear, at the beginning of August, 2010. I cannot remember the reason for her comment. Maybe we were talking about how lucky I was to have her as a dil. I remember the first phrase of her response, though. She said, “I don’t want to sound saccharine…” She went on to say something nice, but I remained struck by her choice of the word “saccharine” because it conveyed sweetness. I loved that she wanted to express something that she felt strongly and didn’t want it to be mistaken for superficiality or a polite rejoinder.
Review June 2010
June 2, 2010
Reading the general audience books re: in-law relationships, I wonder why my perception of my own thoughts seem so different from those offered as “normal.” An example is that parents think/muse/dream/expect a potential spouse for their child. I don’t remember giving it much, if any, thought at all.
Exploring reasons for this memory, I come up with a few different answers: 1) that it truly didn’t matter to me because the decision was theirs, not mine, 2) that I was so distracted by my own life activities that I didn’t have time to process these thoughts before the kids made their choices real-life people, 3) that it would never have been a conscious thought until/if a potential partner was quite far from the main-stream commonality of familiar characteristics, 4) that my children are not so different from me, therefore their assumed partners would fall within those parameters as well, 5) I am re-writing history in my own mind and there had always been a general image in my expectations.
Damn, was I lucky!
June 10, 2010
Talking with Daughter 2 about in-laws; she wishes she knew the Angel better. When I say that, despite encouragement, I find it difficult to call, she responds that it appears I am the most reluctant of everyone. I recognize that and, once again, try to will myself not to be worried about intruding. Daughter 2 agrees that the time zone difference is a challenge as is the pace of everyone’s life. We would both like to be more like Daughter 1 and just spontaneously call. A work in progress J
June 19, 2010
What is the definition of successful? I believe that both relationships are successful, but not as deep as I’d like. So, successful at this point means 1) without conflict, 2) enjoyment/pleasure during interactions, but lacking 3) desired frequency and 4) deeper emotional connections. I wonder what I mean by deeper emotional connections.
I want to know more of their history, their honest opinions, and their thoughts about their lives and hopes. I want to know them as people, not just as titled (empty?) family relationships. One author stated that mothers only think of daughters-in-law through their sons. One interviewee went so far as to say that she saw her sons as unique and her daughters-in-law as interchangeable. I am surprised by this. Maybe that is because, even on the limited level that I know my children-in-law, they each have different facets of their personalities, likes/dislikes, and interaction styles?
June 29, 2010
Often it feels like all six of the kids are in the same level of interaction with me. That has pro and con aspects: I like that there is not a raw, blatant distinction in my feelings for birth and in-law. That lack of distinction is partially due to the distance that seems to be present with everyone. Partially this is due to my distraction with school, partially due to the geographical distance, and also due to the changes that can be observed (only felt?) whenever we are together. They are all doing interesting things, personally and professionally, that happen outside of my experience. I have no desire to be involved or interfere/advise, but I wish I could watch and know more about whatever they would be willing to share.
I also wish that we lived closer to the Saint. It would be nice to have deeper conversations as well as informal chats; to spend time understanding the genealogical adventures and the experiences of being a daughter-in-law, a mother-in-law, a grandmother. Huge challenge with few options that don’t require energy, money, and focus needed for academic and household activities.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)