Emotional fuzzies

Continuing to sort through memories, I want to include this birthday message from the Angel and include a beautiful card from the Saint.  In the midst of a whirlwind trip home, after an absence of over seven months, these two women took the time to make me feel valued. 

The Angel

Hi Hope,

Just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you, especially today. I hope that work and medical craziness aside, you're getting a chance to soak in some love in Michigan. 

Love you lots,

Angel

dearest Angel,

Thank you so much for the birthday message - I am always excited when I see your name in the e-mail. I have been thinking of you so much with feelings of missing and gratitude. The awful reason for the extra visits aside, I feel quite decadent in having been able to look at your face and hear your laugh these past few months. You and the Son bring joy and structure and fun. That is not to put pressure but to say thank you for sharing each other, your time, and energy.

The trip to Michigan has been good and it has been tiring, but both have been more than worth it. We are going to see about 25 of the family at Uncle’s today and Cousin tomorrow at Aunt Berkley’s. Depending on air travel, might get to see all of Aunt Fenton’s girls and the two babies on Tuesday.  Very little work getting done in the midst of all the visiting, but am hoping I can pull things together when I get back to PNW. 

Forgot to mention to the Son, but I hope you know that Canine fur-kid is very welcome if you want to bring him to Michigan next weekend. With only the PNW crew there, it might be a quiet enough environment for him that will let him stay with you. I think you may have said the trip is a bit long for him, but just know that he is more than welcome, can't hurt a thing, and I wish I could see him and walk with him.

Sending the biggest hug ever and a kiss for your cheek.

love,

Hope

February 8, 2011

So much has happened in the time since the last entry.  We are temporarily re-locating to the PNW and have been fortunate to see all nine of the family more frequently.  Before the nightmare of X’s illness began, I had the opportunity to see the Angel when they were visiting the new baby, little bear, at the beginning of August, 2010.  I cannot remember the reason for her comment.  Maybe we were talking about how lucky I was to have her as a dil.  I remember the first phrase of her response, though.  She said, “I don’t want to sound saccharine…”  She went on to say something nice, but I remained struck by her choice of the word “saccharine” because it conveyed sweetness.  I loved that she wanted to express something that she felt strongly and didn’t want it to be mistaken for superficiality or a polite rejoinder.  

Review June 2010

June 2, 2010

Reading the general audience books re: in-law relationships, I wonder why my perception of my own thoughts seem so different from those offered as “normal.”  An example is that parents think/muse/dream/expect a potential spouse for their child.  I don’t remember giving it much, if any, thought at all.

Exploring reasons for this memory, I come up with a few different answers:  1) that it truly didn’t matter to me because the decision was theirs, not mine, 2) that I was so distracted by my own life activities that I didn’t have time to process these thoughts before the kids made their choices real-life people, 3) that it would never have been a conscious thought until/if a potential partner was quite far from the main-stream commonality of familiar characteristics, 4) that my children are not so different from me, therefore their assumed partners would fall within those parameters as well, 5) I am re-writing history in my own mind and there had always been a general image in my expectations.

Damn, was I lucky!

June 10, 2010

Talking with Daughter 2 about in-laws; she wishes she knew the Angel better.  When I say that, despite encouragement, I find it difficult to call, she responds that it appears I am the most reluctant of everyone.  I recognize that and, once again, try to will myself not to be worried about intruding.  Daughter 2 agrees that the time zone difference is a challenge as is the pace of everyone’s life.  We would both like to be more like Daughter 1 and just spontaneously call.  A work in progress J

June 19, 2010

What is the definition of successful?  I believe that both relationships are successful, but not as deep as I’d like.  So, successful at this point means 1) without conflict, 2) enjoyment/pleasure during interactions, but lacking 3) desired frequency and 4) deeper emotional connections.  I wonder what I mean by deeper emotional connections. 

I want to know more of their history, their honest opinions, and their thoughts about their lives and hopes.  I want to know them as people, not just as titled (empty?) family relationships.  One author stated that mothers only think of daughters-in-law through their sons.  One interviewee went so far as to say that she saw her sons as unique and her daughters-in-law as interchangeable.  I am surprised by this.  Maybe that is because, even on the limited level that I know my children-in-law, they each have different facets of their personalities, likes/dislikes, and interaction styles?

June 29, 2010

Often it feels like all six of the kids are in the same level of interaction with me.  That has pro and con aspects:  I like that there is not a raw, blatant distinction in my feelings for birth and in-law.  That lack of distinction is partially due to the distance that seems to be present with everyone.  Partially this is due to my distraction with school, partially due to the geographical distance, and also due to the changes that can be observed (only felt?) whenever we are together.  They are all doing interesting things, personally and professionally, that happen outside of my experience.  I have no desire to be involved or interfere/advise, but I wish I could watch and know more about whatever they would be willing to share.

I also wish that we lived closer to the Saint.  It would be nice to have deeper conversations as well as informal chats; to spend time understanding the genealogical adventures and the experiences of being a daughter-in-law, a mother-in-law, a grandmother.  Huge challenge with few options that don’t require energy, money, and focus needed for academic and household activities.

Review - May 2010

May 4, 2010

Reading the MIL/DIL literature, I keep coming across the interpretation that there is huge insecurity in both positions about the love of the man that they share as son/husband and needed reassurance of their place in his life.

I have always been delighted at how happy the Son is around the Angel and that he has found someone so loving, interesting, and good to be his partner.  I was an early chapter in his life, but I was his mother, not his partner.  That space was always waiting for the Angel.  It was never about a competition for him as we were in his life in different ways.  And she never made me feel excluded – ever. 

My concern about where I fit in is actually about the space where I can be in their lives, not in the Son’s life.  There has always been an open, welcoming response to (what I hope are respectful) requests for their time and attention.

On the other side, the Saint has also never behaved as though there was a tug-of-war for the husband’s affection or attention.  She has been a template for what I would like to be as a mother-in-law: caring, supportive, respectful, and fun to be with whenever the opportunity arises.

As has been the case since the Angel added me as a mother-in-law, I am more keenly aware of my desire to make sure the Saint is included in our lives.  I had tried to do so in the first years of being her daughter-in-law, but as with becoming a mother, one may have a good idea about the role, but the reality is usually stronger.

Taking the insights from thoughts about and interactions with the Angel and figuring out how they might serve to make the Saint happy has been mostly a positive endeavor.  The times when it is not have more to do with being sad that I cannot offer something I believe she would like.  Not being able to go to the mountains every summer or to share birthdays and other holidays makes me feel like I am, at best, adding to disappointment and, at worst, letting her down.  These feelings are entirely self-created for, if she felt them, she has never voiced nor intimated anything other than understanding for the choices that we make.

None of us wears the same size clothes and I try to remember that there is not necessarily a direct translation in the thoughts, feelings, and actions among the three of us. 

I think about what I know of the Saint as a woman and as a mother, add how I feel and think as a mother-in-law, and try to translate them. 

I take what I think I know about the Angel, add what I think I know about birth daughters, mix in how I feel and think as a daughter and as a daughter-in-law, and then use that lens with what I want to say, ask, do, with the Angel.

Hmmm.  I make it more complex with the Angel.  Why is that?  I wonder if it is because I feel more familiarity with the Saint’s generation than with the Angel’s.  I am more concerned about being out of touch with views, values, and interests with the Angel.

In both relationships, I try to overtly state my realization of and support for the fact that each woman is different from me and, therefore, my actions, words, and offerings may not always be a good fit.  The gift is the love, not the sometimes inappropriate conveyance.  I hope I am successfully reciprocating the gift of love that they give to me.

May 8, 2010

I think of the first time I met the Angel, being introduced to her in the hallway outside of the Son’s dorm room.  She is quiet, but not from any anxiety of being around parents.  It is more a contrast between her friendly presence and the exuberance that many others have.  Not a judgment about exuberance, but a recognition of the yin and yang of diverse personalities. 

My earliest memories of the Saint are very similar:  a gentle presence framing the interactive experience of being around her husband and children.  At camp, that meant smiling and verifying the entertaining stories that her husband shared and adding her own as opportunity and interest allowed.

I don’t know where I fall on the first-meeting continuum, but I like having the two of them as supportive, interesting book-ends on my in-law journey.  They are what I didn’t even know that I needed.

Review - April 2010 Part II

April 23, 2010
HI, Hope. Thanks for the note--and for the book.  I finished it, and it had a very cute ending.  The elephant wins!  I'm now on the last book of the Twilight series.  Though I am appalled by (what I see as) the anti-feminist elements, I read on.  I'll have to talk to Daughter 2 about it when I'm done to get her thoughts. Glad to hear the painting went well.  I hope we'll get to see it soon. Love, The Angel

I am so excited whenever I see an e-mail come in from the Angel!  She is busy at work and on computers a great deal of the time so when she writes it means a lot to me.

Although not happy for the “company,” it is interesting that similar internal concerns are voiced by a sister:

April 25, 2010

From sister: whew!  Thanks. I'm so conscious now about how I say things for [son’s partner]. It's so hard not knowing her as well as I'd like to. We just aren't together enough to know her better, darn it. I'm cautious so I don't offend without knowing it.

April 26, 2010

Reflecting on the concerns that mothers have regarding communication/interaction with the partners of their children, I don’t find the same level of anxiety with the sons-in-law.  It is definitely there, but far less intense.  Perhaps because contact with the daughters is more frequent?  Is more personal?

How does this relate to me as a dil?  I don’t feel anxiety about being misunderstood or causing offense.  Is that because we’ve had 20 years to learn about this relationship and develop strategies for resolving things before they move from molehill to mountain?

April 27, 2010

Even finding an article that I think the Angel would find interesting, I am hesitant to send it.  Will I over-burden her?  Will I be wrong about her interests and make her feel frustrated that I don’t know her?  Am I taking away her power to decide on subjects and timing for herself and I should just send the darned thing?

Similar hesitation about sending things to the Saint, but for different reasons as well as over-lapping ones.  I don’t want to be wrong about her interests or crowd her in-box with unwanted trivia.  Additionally, I know that we interpret politics and some life events differently and I don’t want to add conflict to our relationship (especially when we are not face-to-face in order to have a good, solid discussion that includes non-verbal cues and information).  This also falls into the category of taking her power to decide, but there is another facet:  If I send something for interest or informational purpose, I don’t want to be persuaded about another point-of-view without having asked for it. 

Since I value the Saint’s opinions, even the ones with which I disagree, it feels like this reluctance is due to limited time and energy resources.  In all honesty, I must also be on guard against my own propensity to “convince through essays/articles” of my own position.  Indirect at best but not (I hope) seen as passive-aggressive.  That brings things full circle in that it is more beneficial (and honest) to raise the differing ideas when we are together so there is no hint of subterfuge.

Review - April 2010 Part I

*catching up the blog with earlier entries

April 10, 2010

I want to do this research because I want to have not just “good” relationships, meaning without conflict or just civil, but “successful” ones, meaning we are happy to be with each other, we look forward to interactions, and to hearing the news about each other’s lives.  I want to have that, so it seems to me that I need to know how such relationships come into being and are maintained through the challenges of life (geographic distance, misunderstandings, event-stress, etc…).

It is hard to write about anything that isn’t Mary Poppins-happy because I love these two women and don’t want them to ever feel hurt or upset about my words or past events.  If this work is to be genuine and beneficial, it needs to be truthful from my perspective – meaning that I recognize that this “truth” is constructed by me within a fluctuating context determined by health, stress, joy, and perceived intent.  It is this latter which gives me hope as I have NEVER thought that anyone has intentionally done anything to hurt or upset me and I pray that they recognize that I would go to great lengths (and have) to avoid that for them.

Although research shows that many, many in-laws have good and caring relationships, the painful ones are glaring in the distress that is caused.  These examples are wide-spread enough that it provides great motivation for me to continue the hard work and to brave the possible pitfalls to my own relationships with the Angel & the Saint.


April 12, 2010

I am aware that my focus is more on my role as a mother-in-law than that of being a daughter-in-law.  I don’t know why.  Both women are important to me; both are interesting, loving, supportive, and are connected to me via men that I love.  Perhaps it is because of being a dil (1992) for longer than being an mil (2001)?  When I “feel” the relationships, I think it is more that, as a mother, I am confident that my contacts and thoughts will be welcomed, for myself and for the link that I provide between mother (the Saint) and son (the husband).  There is a much stronger possibility that my contacts may be intruding on the precious-little time that my daughter-in-law has with her husband.  I don’t provide a link to anyone in that bond, just an extraneous relationship. 

I am encouraged by both of these women to call, write, or visit whenever I’d like.  That link may be my entrance fee and I have no way to compensate my daughter-in-law for the time and energy I have requested from her.  She is a generous soul and continues to encourage me to come into her life.  When I think of accepting the invitations, I find that I am planning topics and preparing to bow out before I’ve overstayed my welcome.  The invitations from my mother-in-law also spark those two issues, but they are more benign (perhaps the different perception of the Angel with an active career and the Saint with a retired career?).  I think of the things I’d like to share with the Saint and remind myself not to ramble on endlessly as she is a beautiful example of good manners and would be loathe to tell me I’ve spent too much time on the phone.

Beginnings

Having been blessed with wise, compassionate women for a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law, I am wondering if we are simply fortunate to have found each other or if we are somehow creating our own harmony.  Social constructionism suggests that, unknowingly or with intention, our relationships are formed, maintained, and adjusted through our interactions with others, with experiences, with ideas.  Starting from that concept, and looking through the lens of feminist philosophy, I am exploring the facets of successful female in-law relationships. 

The particular focus is on one specific woman: the mid-law*. This woman occupies the middle position in a trio: a woman, her mother-in-law, and her daughter-in-law.  An initialized equation might look like this:  mil: dil/mil: dil

My purpose is to create a journal to record my experiences and related thoughts as a mid-law.  This project is related to research for a dissertation. 

*mid-law is an acronym: Middle Intergenerational Dual-Linking A Woman