Review - April 2010 Part I

*catching up the blog with earlier entries

April 10, 2010

I want to do this research because I want to have not just “good” relationships, meaning without conflict or just civil, but “successful” ones, meaning we are happy to be with each other, we look forward to interactions, and to hearing the news about each other’s lives.  I want to have that, so it seems to me that I need to know how such relationships come into being and are maintained through the challenges of life (geographic distance, misunderstandings, event-stress, etc…).

It is hard to write about anything that isn’t Mary Poppins-happy because I love these two women and don’t want them to ever feel hurt or upset about my words or past events.  If this work is to be genuine and beneficial, it needs to be truthful from my perspective – meaning that I recognize that this “truth” is constructed by me within a fluctuating context determined by health, stress, joy, and perceived intent.  It is this latter which gives me hope as I have NEVER thought that anyone has intentionally done anything to hurt or upset me and I pray that they recognize that I would go to great lengths (and have) to avoid that for them.

Although research shows that many, many in-laws have good and caring relationships, the painful ones are glaring in the distress that is caused.  These examples are wide-spread enough that it provides great motivation for me to continue the hard work and to brave the possible pitfalls to my own relationships with the Angel & the Saint.


April 12, 2010

I am aware that my focus is more on my role as a mother-in-law than that of being a daughter-in-law.  I don’t know why.  Both women are important to me; both are interesting, loving, supportive, and are connected to me via men that I love.  Perhaps it is because of being a dil (1992) for longer than being an mil (2001)?  When I “feel” the relationships, I think it is more that, as a mother, I am confident that my contacts and thoughts will be welcomed, for myself and for the link that I provide between mother (the Saint) and son (the husband).  There is a much stronger possibility that my contacts may be intruding on the precious-little time that my daughter-in-law has with her husband.  I don’t provide a link to anyone in that bond, just an extraneous relationship. 

I am encouraged by both of these women to call, write, or visit whenever I’d like.  That link may be my entrance fee and I have no way to compensate my daughter-in-law for the time and energy I have requested from her.  She is a generous soul and continues to encourage me to come into her life.  When I think of accepting the invitations, I find that I am planning topics and preparing to bow out before I’ve overstayed my welcome.  The invitations from my mother-in-law also spark those two issues, but they are more benign (perhaps the different perception of the Angel with an active career and the Saint with a retired career?).  I think of the things I’d like to share with the Saint and remind myself not to ramble on endlessly as she is a beautiful example of good manners and would be loathe to tell me I’ve spent too much time on the phone.